Thursday, February 24, 2011

Pop Culture Equivelants to Famous Literary Characters

Can't you just see Shakespeare's Tybalt getting on his Gym Tan Laundry? Or Huckleberry Finn sending out another apologetic tweet for his latest offensive comment? Sometimes literary characters have such distinctive personalities, they almost seem real. Real, and with horribly, horribly stunted access to personal privacy. So it only makes sense that one might associate them with celebrities. Here's my list of which celebrities I think would act as the real life counterparts to the following famous characters:

1) Gatsby (The Great Gatsby): P. Diddy- All-white (clothing) parties in the Hamptons? Opulent wealth? An abundance of boozy floozies constantly at hand? And all with a vague undercurrent of deep dissatisfaction with the shallow glitz around him? Gatsby= Diddy. No contest. Plus, they both go by their last names.

2) Humbert Humbert (Lolita): John Mayer- I don't feel that this one calls for any justification.

3)Mr. Darcy (Pride and Prejudice): Christian Bale- okay, I know that I am doing my dear Fitzwilliam a great disservice here, but it would be too boring for me to just put some random other random brooding beauty as his match. First of all, Darcy has to be respected (like Bale) and disliked (like Bale). He has some anger problems, and insults Elizabeth's family; Bale has some anger problems, and insults the lighting crew... via aggressive tirade. They're both insanely devoted- one to a woman, one to his roles. The only difference is that only one is also actually insane.

4)Atticus Finch (To Kill a Mockingbird): George Clooney- just because... I want to be them both.

5) Mrs. Haveshem (Great Expectations): Mrs. Haveshem sits in a dusty room in an ancient wedding dress, desperately trying to physically exist in the past, so naturally... Joan Rivers

6) The Wife of Bath (Canterbury Tales): Jessica Simpson- they're big bosomed, single-minded women who know what they want. They're sexualized beings and they use that to get what they want, not in a conniving, evil way, but in a simple, good ol' Texas straight-shooting kind of a way.

7)The Three Musketeers... and D'Artagnan (The Three Musketeers): Owen Wilson, Vince Vaugn, Will Ferrel.... and Ben Stiller- all for one and all that.


9) The Lady of Shallot (Tale of King Arthur): Jennifer Aniston- one died of a broken heart when he love fell for another... the other one, we just act like she did

10) Ford Prefect (The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy): Russell Brand- Ford Prefect is an alien who routinely states wild and absurd ideas as if they were the epitome of logical sense, with the effect that everyone around him is either severely unsettled or strangely charmed. Russell Brand is about the same.

11) Tyler Durden (Fight Club): KISS- these guys just want to F$#% S*#% UP! Sheer anarchy.

12) Jekyll/ Hyde (Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde: Tom Cruise- one day the movie star we all loved fired his publicist and suddenly....

13) Oliver Twist (Oliver Twist): Jon and Kate's Eight- Oh, you poor, poor children. The love and character nourishment that you so desperately crave will not be coming from your parents. Because they're either crazy or they're dead.

14)The Monster (Frankenstein): Heidi Montag- Both of these lovely creatures were assembled, full grown, with supplementary body parts.

15) All the kids from The Lord of the Flies: All the kids from the Jersey shore- I don't know if its about living with a big group, all of one nationality, or being by the sea, or having an affinity for pork, but all of these people are mesmerizingly savage


  1. Spot on and Hysterical!


  2. LOL- I read some of this to my coworkers as we were driving and we almost ran off the road laughing.