Thursday, March 3, 2011

Love Lessons From the Ladies of Pride and Prejudice

It's a romantic story set in a romantic time period by a romantic author. These chicks are the experts. Here's what we can learn about love from each of the leading ladies of P and P.

Elizabeth Bennet: Be awesome. If you are awesome, handsome, rich strangers will fall in love with you. You will know they are in love with you because they will insult your family and always maintain a hostile silence in your presence.

Lydia Bennet: Can't get him to commit? Why, Lydia knows exactly how to handle this; simply get yourself in to a compromising and potentially socially devastating circumstance that FORCES him to seal the deal. Also, make sure to have a wealthy family friend on standby to bribe him liberally in case he's still too much of a jerk to take the plunge.

Mary Bennet: In order to attract a man, you must possess some sort of understanding of basic social cues. This means that one piano recital at a party? Wonderful. Two? Thoroughly charming. A series that lasts the entire evening? "You have delighted us long enough." Men like a sense of mystery. You may have a magical way with a G scale, but let him discover the extent of your musical (and other) talents on his own.

Charlotte Lucas: Marriage is all about compromise. Before entering into a commitment, you have to weigh your pros and cons. For example, the cons of marrying Mr. Collins:
-Nightly recitations of the gospel- and not the exciting parts about magical water that turns into booze and Jesus taking strolls across the ocean- the boring parts. The parts with words like "duty" and "penitence"
-Forced exposure to regular weird and discomfiting compliments about things like your left eyebrow or your way of cutting your potatoes
-Complete absence of anything remotely resemblant of thought-provoking or interesting conversation EVER.
Get your own tea parlor!

Jane Bennet: Being pretty is not enough. If you do not also make your devotion garishly apparent at every turn, he will assume you don't have feelings for him and HE WILL LEAVE YOU. So make t-shirts! Call each and every one of his guy friends to be sure they know. Write it in permanent sharpie right across the windshield of his brand new car!

Mrs. Bennet: True love is finding a many who will wearily endure your bipolar episodes, dramatic fits, and public humiliations and still gamely escorts you to all the social functions of your choosing so that you can continue to engage in these actively in as obtrusive a way as possible.

Kitty Bennet: Half-assing it just doesn't work. When it comes to landing a man, you need to go big or go home. This means you either act like a Lydia-status psychopath and blackmail yourself into wedded bliss or you act like a normal, mature human being and find love in the more conventional way. But no tweensies.

Love lesson from the men of Pride and Prejudice: You will NEVER understand the women around you. So just don't try.

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