Thursday, April 14, 2011

Gentlemen Prefer Blondes- Book I Just Read in Article Form

Talk yourself pretty
You know when you get up in the morning and you look at your sharp, sharp razor, and your eyeliner that inevitably smears all over your eyelid when you blink, and your straightener all patchy with grafts of your neck skin, and you just WISH that you could be inherently more attractive without doing anything? Guess what? You. Can.
There have been a plethora of new studies coming out about weird, completely nonaesthetic factors that make people more attractive to both men and women. Specifically, the book Do Gentlemen Really Prefer Blondes blew the lid off of the important role of things like smell (pumpkin pie=manbait, apparenty) in creating attraction. Some of them are totally out of your control, like hormonal shenanigans, but many of them can be totally manipulated to your advantage. Here’s some things you can say to make yourself more attractive (beyond just “I’m horny”…. Although, let’s be real here- most of the time, that’s probably all you really need)
Say “sumptuous” a lot. In one recent study, a researcher asked 101 volunteer college students to rank recordings of different people’s voices according to who they thought would be the most attractive. Creepily, the results lined up perfectly with the people who actually were the most conventionally attractive (fit, symmetrical face, etc). The female voice type that was assumed to be the most attractive, likeable, and even trustworthy was melodious and fairly high without being shrill. If you want to work this whole siren thing, you can either try to talk like this (but I warn you: if you’re like me, you WILL end up sounding like Minnie Mouse on dopamine) or you can just use words that naturally  sound alluring. Some of the most appealing words in the english language, based on actual scientific studies, are “adroit”, “demesne”,” opulent”, and “sumptuous.” Mmmmm they’re like Death by Chocolate for your ears
Talk like You’re… Certain traits are just generally accepted to be more desirable. Most people are genetically wired to be attracted to humor, kindness and intelligence. It is my personal theory that this is because in choosing a mate ancient homo sapiens  were also choosing traits for their future children, and the thought of a cave full of stupid, unfunny, evil little cave-babies is enough to kill anyone’s libido. But whatever the reason, these are three traits that make everyone seem innately more attractive, so try these three tips: to sound smarter sign up for one of those word of the day apps and then use it. Also read all the headlines from the front page of the New York Times  (or any newspaper, really, besides The Onion, although that might come in handy in the humor department) and at least one article. That way you can converse “knowledgably” about current events like it ain’t no thang…. Then go back to your Us Weekly. To sound nicer, say something complimentary about someone not there or bring up an issue/ injustice that you “care deeply” about, such as the plight of South African Gooba Turtles.* To sound funnier 1) quote someone else who is actually funny 2)covertly make and distribute “special brownies” 3)over-articulate EVERYTHING. Everything is funnier when it is unnecessarily verbose. For example: “You’re a douche”- mindless insult . “You, my good sir, are a receptacle of unadulterated douchery made incarnate.” –hilarious.
Say NOTHING. Unsurprisingly, the study also found that people like it when you listen to them. It implies respect and establishes an air of mystery. The researcher also suggested, though that men in particular might be attracted to the docility that silence implies, which strikes me as a little bit chauvinistic. So, I don’t know… maybe listen to his story about his friend from college and then punch him lightly in the pancreas. You know… just so he remembers his place.
Share the Love. People (all people) are more attracted to people that they perceive to be admired/ loving. Good relationships = healthy person= more good relationships. It’s an un-vicious cycle. And everyone wants in on that. So project your (non-creepy) love for your nephew, your mom, your fifth grade math teacher, for everyone to see. Similarly, if you’re desired, it means there’s something about you that is worth desiring, so people are drawn to people with lots of friends or attractive exes. So feel free to start your next story with “So I went to the mall to visit my ex boyfriend- he was working at Abercrombie at the time- and… “(insert semi-legitimizing story here) 
*Not a real animal.

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