Art Mirrors Life: Characters' Modern Social Equivelants

The frenemy: You all know the term. This person is "like totally your bff" until they forward your "Cabo!" pictures to your boss and tell your boyfriend you shave your butt. This delightfully purloined relationship is exemplified in the wonderful novel A Separate Peace. One minute Gene is telling Phineas how awesome he is- they're playing "Blitzball"- it's an Indian Summer... and then BAM. Knocks him off a tree-branch. Frenemy indeed.

The couple that is "SOINLOVE!!!": It is nauseating how consumed these people are. Romeo and Juliet are teenagers, which is kind of how it should be, but it real life, there is no age limit. There are sixty-five year old new couples that are similarly hellish to be around. They are all about the PDA and the extreme dramatics. "Staaaaaay... it isn't morning! I couldn't BEAR to part from you for even one nano-millisecond. What's that? There are people who will very literally KILL you if you stay? But I looooove yoooouuuuu!!!!!!" ick.

The group clown: AKA the drunk slob you profess to disdain but secretly love because he's awesome. Shakespeare locked this one down perfectly with Twelfth Night's Sir Toby Belch. Objectively, the man is loathesome: he's loud, inconsiderate, and almost willfully stupid. And yet he delights us. We rejoice in his eventual wedded bliss and applaud him for his inspired bullying of the insufferable Malvolio. Same with whatever lovable buffoon you have in your personal network. Maybe he is funny, maybe he has a good heart, maybe he just plain makes you feel superior. Whatever the reason, his presence is joy, and without it your life would be strangely lacking.

Your boss: Milton's Satan. So cunning. So sneaky. So teeeeempting with that raise that you are never really going to get.

Your husband/boyfriend/S.O., if you love him or her: Lancelot

Your husband/boyfriend/S.O. if you don't: Arthur

The teacher who changed your life: Atticus Finch. This man was absolutely everything every mentor should be. He was kind, brave, generous, fair, wise, patient.... yeah. You get it.

The mule: This person will pursue every issue to the bitter end. He googles every single fact about which you disagree or about which there is any question whatsoever. He will demand every detail of every aspect of the story you're trying to tell to the point that you never actually get to finish telling it. He will. not. let. it. go. Just like Captain Ahab and his white whale, this person will DIE before he just ACCEPTS that a tomato ought to be classified as a fruit and not a vegetable.

The person who you don't like, and therefore run into absolutely EVERYWHERE: James Joyce's Ulysses is basically a story about one man (Leopold Bloom) walking around the city for a day. It just so happens that his wife is concurrently having an affair with a skeeze machine named Blazes Boylen, about which Leopold just so happens to be aware. Naturally, he hates him. In the 24 hour period over which Ulysses is set, that man is EVERYWHERE. All of Dublin and he has to eat at the same cafe as Leopold. He passes by him on the street. People talk about him at Leopold's friend's funeral. It's absurd! Yet I swear to God, the same thing happened with my least favorite math teacher in high school, and half the people I know have routine run-ins with a particularly awkward ex boyfriend.

The "complex" emotional teenager: Holden. Caufield. Everyone's a phony. Everything's fake. Nothing
means anything. Oh Holden... your sensitivity is endearing, but you're a phony, too. There are literally hundreds of kids just like you, skulking around the playgrounds late at night and lamenting the damaged state of the world. And everybody knows one.

The sweet old man who tells you the same story nine times: Don Quixote. Granted, your old neighbor/grandfather/ old family friend might still retain their more rational mental faculties, but let me tell you something- your facial expression when he or she tells you for the twelfth time that he/she made an "internet account" is the exact same one you would have if you were hearing about the imminent threat of attacking windmills

The girl crush: She's smart and spirited and pretty and talented, and in spite of all this, for some reason you don't hate her. Actually, all you want to do is hang out with her... like, all the time. So you know it's gotta be Lizzy Bennet.

The best friend: Solid. Steady. Always there to listen to your rants or tell you you're pretty or carry your weary body through the poisonous mists of Mount Doom. Samwise the Brave.

The Lads and Ladies of Literature Tell You How to Look Younger

 Here's the latest submission to The Gloss:

Dear Consultitory  Characters, I have a high school reunion coming up and I am desperately trying to look younger. I thought, who better to advise me about looks than people who, due to their fictional status, never had any? So what should I do?

Dorian Gray (The Portrait of Dorian Gray): I’m a firm believer in the power of paint in maintaining youth. By which, of course, I mean make up. Lots and lots of make-up. Nothing screams youth like a wrinkle-free face- so paint on a mask and I promise you, it’ll be just like you never got older at all.

Humbert Humbert (Lolita): I think its deliciously admirable that more and more women are trying to emulate the sweet nymphyness of youth. Rompers, pigtails, short denim shorts to display your long, suntanned legs and your scraped knees. That is what I call dressing to impress.

Frankenstein (Frankenstein): A couple of hops under the knife never hurt anybody…. much

Blanche DuBois: Here’s what you do: take a lemon, squeeze half into a bowl with yogurt. Smear onto face. Take the other half of the lemon. Squeeze into a glass of straight vodka. Drink. Repeat.

Phantom (The Phantom of the Opera): Eye circles? No problem! Just slip into a (literal) eye mask and its like they were never even there.

Bridget Jones(Bridget Jones’ Diary): They say gaining a little weight fills your face out and makes you look younger again. It’s true. They say that. They do.

Jane Eyre (Jane Eyre): Just always walk around with your eyes open really wide to express your youthful naïveté and people will just assume that the old blind guy you’re with is your father and you yourself are as perky as a puppy.

 Lindo Jong (The Joy Luck Club): Green Tea. Drink, and it will make you glow. Also, shrinks under eye bags when applied topically.

Emma (Emma): A corset works wonders for a woman pursuing a nubile young figure. Or, you know, spanx.

Isabella (Measure for Measure)*: No alcohol. No sugar. No smoking or promiscuous sex. If you think you might like it at all, it will age you terribly.

It stands to reason that many people might have missed this one in deference to some of Shakespeare’s more popular plays, so let me fill you in; Isabella is a woman who is joining a convent, but is worried that the 16^th century’s nuns’ rules won’t be strict enough. Aka, she is the dweebiest dweeb who ever did dweeb. In case you were wondering.

What You CanTell About Characters By Their Clothing Descriptions

And rolling on with the brief interlude of a fashion theme, here's what the types of clothing a character's wearing on his or her introduction can generally suggest about their role in the story:

1) "Neat," "crisp," or "well cared for" attire: Pretty much the same assumptions you would make about anyone who is snappily dressed in real life; this person is professional, efficient, and pragmatic. If it is a man, he's probably a bit of a prat. This person is very focused on the day to day and keeping things under control. Case in point: Watson (Sherlock Holmes books)

2) Fashionable man: Also known as a dandy or a fop. This man is t.r.o.u.b.le. He'll probably have a gambling problem, or harass random girls. Or have a secret painting stashed in his attic through which he ages vicariously. Watch out. Case in Point: Dorian Grey (The Portrait of Dorian Grey)

3) Fashionable lady: Either the protagonist, the protagonist's best friend, or the villian. If the fashionableness is showy, like Miranda Priestly or Anne Boleyn, she's a villian. If its tasteful, she's probably more of a good guy. She probably has a high opinion of herself, in any case. Case in Point: Emma (Emma)

4) Messy man: Probably some one either you or the protagonist will fall in love with. He's probably intellectual. Probably complicated. Probably romantic. Case in Point: Sydney Carton (A Tale of Two Cities)

5) Anything "nondescript": CRAZY MOTHER ^%*&#*(!!!!! This person is either an assassin or a serial killer or undercover royalty. Maybe he or she is a witch or a god. The point is, anyone you're "not supposed to notice," you absolutely, absolutely ARE. Case in Point: Dr. H. H. Holmes (The Devil in the White City)

Bottom Five Trends from Your Literary Friends

Dracula: (Dracula) Scarves. A woman’s neck is so incredibly… appealing. Why would you ever want to cover that up?

Hester Prynne: (The Scarlett Letter) Initial necklaces. Hester is NOT a fan of identifying yourself via a single letter worn over your clothing. No need to label.

Viola: (Twelfth Night) Menswear. Dressing up as a man can have consequences. Deeply confusing consequences. Avoid it at all costs- unless you want to end up with a guy that won’t look twice at you and a girl that REFUSES to take the damn hint.

Yossarian: (Catch-22) Military Jackets. You do realize that the army’s a real thing , right? And there are a lot of deeply embedded, often hilarious problems with it. Seeing a bunch of teenagers dressed up like colonels fiddling around at the mall is just weird.

Holden Caulfield: (The Catcher in the Rye) Writing F#%$ You across your fingernails. That’s messed up. Kids can see that. WHAT IS THE WORLD COMING TO?

Top Five Trends from your Literary Friends

And on that note...

Holly Golightly: (Breakfast at Tiffany’s)  The little black dress. Timeless. Classic. Perfect for accessorizing with some Ray Bans or, more importantly, jewelry. Bracelets, necklaces, earrings, brooches… and one amazing store carries it all- Zales. Hahaha, jk- go grab a croissant or something at Tiff.’s

Humbert Humbert: (Lolita) Rompers. There’s something so enchantingly alluring about a woman who embraces her childish side.

Daisy Buchanan:  (The Great Gatsby)minidresses. Drop waists, sequins, beading. The glamour of the twenties is back, and though Daisy might be a bit more demure herself, her world is filled with all those glamoured up creatures called flappers, and she is all about the class. Specifically the upper-class.

Anne Shirley: (Anne of Green Gables) Structured jackets. Why, they’re almost like a modern-day puffed sleeves! And Anne Shirley Fucking. Loves. Puffed. Sleeves.

Cruella de Vil: (The Hundred and One Dalmations)* Fur coats. Real fur. None of this faux crap. The more exotic, the better.

Fashion Advice from Fake People

The Gloss recently asked me to do a piece offering fashion advice from some literary celebrities. I live to serve:

The world of fashion is can be troubling; are tea-length skirts ultra-fashionable, or do they just exist to make your calves look fat? Does a romper say “fun and free-spirited” or “I like to take 20 minutes to go to the bathroom?” Sometimes, the rules of fashion seem self-contradictory, and sometimes, it seems like people are just making things up. In that spirit, who better than a fictional character to answer these fanciful questions? Here, we turn to some of the leading ladies of the literary tradition for their takes on the stylish debacles we face every day.

Dear Literary Ladies, I’m going to have lunch with my ex this weekend and I need to wear something impressive- something guaranteed to win him back. Help! What should I do?

Lady Augusta Bracknell: (The Importance of Being Earnest)

There is nothing so vulgar in the world as the new fashion called “jeggings.” It is an abysmal state of affairs when a garment can be dishonest as well unattractive. A thorough abomination. Therefore, my dear, you simply have no choice but to wear them on your date. It is a well acknowledged fact that there is nothing so attractive to a man as a display of utter tastelessness. How else can you account for the popularity of that Kim Kardashio? Any half-way respectable man will always endeavor to earn the respect of his peers through the garishness of his wife’s clothes. Debase yourself you must, if you want to win him back, and what better way to do it then with deceitful elastic legwear? Then it is only natural to later use his credit card to reward yourself with a scandalously elegant hat.

Scarlett O’Hara: (Gone With the Wind) Take it from someone who’s had three husbands and all sorts of beaux: You don’t need to be beautiful to attract a man. I never claimed I was. In fact, it’s the God’s honest truth that I’m not. But you know what I do have? A dress that “set off to perfection the seventeen-inch waist, the smallest in three counties, and the tightly fitting basque showed breasts well matured for sixteen years.” So there you go. Cinch cinch cinch. If you want that man to fall in love, you find a dress that makes your waist look small and your breasts “well developed.” I’m inclined to favor a whalebone corset, but it seems that fashion today has adopted a ridiculous bias toward clothes that actually allow a woman to inhale. So I suppose a tight little leather belt around your dress will have to do. That and one of those “miracle bras.”

Miranda Priestly: (The Devil Wears Prada) Wear something with class. Like a scarf by Hermes. Silk. Not one of those knobbly woolen abominations. You’ll look like a cheap turkey with a thyroid problem. Wear that thing I saw that one time, at that show. If you want a man to love you, you have to dress like you deserve to be loved. And for God’s sakes don’t wear flats.

Pop Culture Equivelants to Famous Literary Characters

Can't you just see Shakespeare's Tybalt getting on his Gym Tan Laundry? Or Huckleberry Finn sending out another apologetic tweet for his latest offensive comment? Sometimes literary characters have such distinctive personalities, they almost seem real. Real, and with horribly, horribly stunted access to personal privacy. So it only makes sense that one might associate them with celebrities. Here's my list of which celebrities I think would act as the real life counterparts to the following famous characters:

1) Gatsby (The Great Gatsby): P. Diddy- All-white (clothing) parties in the Hamptons? Opulent wealth? An abundance of boozy floozies constantly at hand? And all with a vague undercurrent of deep dissatisfaction with the shallow glitz around him? Gatsby= Diddy. No contest. Plus, they both go by their last names.

2) Humbert Humbert (Lolita): John Mayer- I don't feel that this one calls for any justification.

3)Mr. Darcy (Pride and Prejudice): Christian Bale- okay, I know that I am doing my dear Fitzwilliam a great disservice here, but it would be too boring for me to just put some random other random brooding beauty as his match. First of all, Darcy has to be respected (like Bale) and disliked (like Bale). He has some anger problems, and insults Elizabeth's family; Bale has some anger problems, and insults the lighting crew... via aggressive tirade. They're both insanely devoted- one to a woman, one to his roles. The only difference is that only one is also actually insane.

4)Atticus Finch (To Kill a Mockingbird): George Clooney- just because... I want to be them both.

5) Mrs. Haveshem (Great Expectations): Mrs. Haveshem sits in a dusty room in an ancient wedding dress, desperately trying to physically exist in the past, so naturally... Joan Rivers

6) The Wife of Bath (Canterbury Tales): Jessica Simpson- they're big bosomed, single-minded women who know what they want. They're sexualized beings and they use that to get what they want, not in a conniving, evil way, but in a simple, good ol' Texas straight-shooting kind of a way.

7)The Three Musketeers... and D'Artagnan (The Three Musketeers): Owen Wilson, Vince Vaugn, Will Ferrel.... and Ben Stiller- all for one and all that.

8) King Lear (King Lear): Tyra Banks- EVERYONE MUST PROVE THEIR LOVE TO ME... AS LOUDLY AND DRAMATICALLY AS POSSIBLE

9) The Lady of Shallot (Tale of King Arthur): Jennifer Aniston- one died of a broken heart when he love fell for another... the other one, we just act like she did

10) Ford Prefect (The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy): Russell Brand- Ford Prefect is an alien who routinely states wild and absurd ideas as if they were the epitome of logical sense, with the effect that everyone around him is either severely unsettled or strangely charmed. Russell Brand is about the same.

11) Tyler Durden (Fight Club): KISS- these guys just want to F$#% S*#% UP! Sheer anarchy.

12) Jekyll/ Hyde (Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde: Tom Cruise- one day the movie star we all loved fired his publicist and suddenly....

13) Oliver Twist (Oliver Twist): Jon and Kate's Eight- Oh, you poor, poor children. The love and character nourishment that you so desperately crave will not be coming from your parents. Because they're either crazy or they're dead.

14)The Monster (Frankenstein): Heidi Montag- Both of these lovely creatures were assembled, full grown, with supplementary body parts.

15) All the kids from The Lord of the Flies: All the kids from the Jersey shore- I don't know if its about living with a big group, all of one nationality, or being by the sea, or having an affinity for pork, but all of these people are mesmerizingly savage