Gentlemen Prefer Blondes- Book I Just Read in Article Form

Talk yourself pretty
You know when you get up in the morning and you look at your sharp, sharp razor, and your eyeliner that inevitably smears all over your eyelid when you blink, and your straightener all patchy with grafts of your neck skin, and you just WISH that you could be inherently more attractive without doing anything? Guess what? You. Can.
There have been a plethora of new studies coming out about weird, completely nonaesthetic factors that make people more attractive to both men and women. Specifically, the book Do Gentlemen Really Prefer Blondes blew the lid off of the important role of things like smell (pumpkin pie=manbait, apparenty) in creating attraction. Some of them are totally out of your control, like hormonal shenanigans, but many of them can be totally manipulated to your advantage. Here’s some things you can say to make yourself more attractive (beyond just “I’m horny”…. Although, let’s be real here- most of the time, that’s probably all you really need)
Say “sumptuous” a lot. In one recent study, a researcher asked 101 volunteer college students to rank recordings of different people’s voices according to who they thought would be the most attractive. Creepily, the results lined up perfectly with the people who actually were the most conventionally attractive (fit, symmetrical face, etc). The female voice type that was assumed to be the most attractive, likeable, and even trustworthy was melodious and fairly high without being shrill. If you want to work this whole siren thing, you can either try to talk like this (but I warn you: if you’re like me, you WILL end up sounding like Minnie Mouse on dopamine) or you can just use words that naturally  sound alluring. Some of the most appealing words in the english language, based on actual scientific studies, are “adroit”, “demesne”,” opulent”, and “sumptuous.” Mmmmm they’re like Death by Chocolate for your ears
Talk like You’re… Certain traits are just generally accepted to be more desirable. Most people are genetically wired to be attracted to humor, kindness and intelligence. It is my personal theory that this is because in choosing a mate ancient homo sapiens  were also choosing traits for their future children, and the thought of a cave full of stupid, unfunny, evil little cave-babies is enough to kill anyone’s libido. But whatever the reason, these are three traits that make everyone seem innately more attractive, so try these three tips: to sound smarter sign up for one of those word of the day apps and then use it. Also read all the headlines from the front page of the New York Times  (or any newspaper, really, besides The Onion, although that might come in handy in the humor department) and at least one article. That way you can converse “knowledgably” about current events like it ain’t no thang…. Then go back to your Us Weekly. To sound nicer, say something complimentary about someone not there or bring up an issue/ injustice that you “care deeply” about, such as the plight of South African Gooba Turtles.* To sound funnier 1) quote someone else who is actually funny 2)covertly make and distribute “special brownies” 3)over-articulate EVERYTHING. Everything is funnier when it is unnecessarily verbose. For example: “You’re a douche”- mindless insult . “You, my good sir, are a receptacle of unadulterated douchery made incarnate.” –hilarious.
Say NOTHING. Unsurprisingly, the study also found that people like it when you listen to them. It implies respect and establishes an air of mystery. The researcher also suggested, though that men in particular might be attracted to the docility that silence implies, which strikes me as a little bit chauvinistic. So, I don’t know… maybe listen to his story about his friend from college and then punch him lightly in the pancreas. You know… just so he remembers his place.
Share the Love. People (all people) are more attracted to people that they perceive to be admired/ loving. Good relationships = healthy person= more good relationships. It’s an un-vicious cycle. And everyone wants in on that. So project your (non-creepy) love for your nephew, your mom, your fifth grade math teacher, for everyone to see. Similarly, if you’re desired, it means there’s something about you that is worth desiring, so people are drawn to people with lots of friends or attractive exes. So feel free to start your next story with “So I went to the mall to visit my ex boyfriend- he was working at Abercrombie at the time- and… “(insert semi-legitimizing story here) 
*Not a real animal.

Bottom Five Trends from Your Literary Friends

Dracula: (Dracula) Scarves. A woman’s neck is so incredibly… appealing. Why would you ever want to cover that up?

Hester Prynne: (The Scarlett Letter) Initial necklaces. Hester is NOT a fan of identifying yourself via a single letter worn over your clothing. No need to label.

Viola: (Twelfth Night) Menswear. Dressing up as a man can have consequences. Deeply confusing consequences. Avoid it at all costs- unless you want to end up with a guy that won’t look twice at you and a girl that REFUSES to take the damn hint.

Yossarian: (Catch-22) Military Jackets. You do realize that the army’s a real thing , right? And there are a lot of deeply embedded, often hilarious problems with it. Seeing a bunch of teenagers dressed up like colonels fiddling around at the mall is just weird.

Holden Caulfield: (The Catcher in the Rye) Writing F#%$ You across your fingernails. That’s messed up. Kids can see that. WHAT IS THE WORLD COMING TO?

Fashion Advice from Fake People

The Gloss recently asked me to do a piece offering fashion advice from some literary celebrities. I live to serve:

The world of fashion is can be troubling; are tea-length skirts ultra-fashionable, or do they just exist to make your calves look fat? Does a romper say “fun and free-spirited” or “I like to take 20 minutes to go to the bathroom?” Sometimes, the rules of fashion seem self-contradictory, and sometimes, it seems like people are just making things up. In that spirit, who better than a fictional character to answer these fanciful questions? Here, we turn to some of the leading ladies of the literary tradition for their takes on the stylish debacles we face every day.

Dear Literary Ladies, I’m going to have lunch with my ex this weekend and I need to wear something impressive- something guaranteed to win him back. Help! What should I do?

Lady Augusta Bracknell: (The Importance of Being Earnest)

There is nothing so vulgar in the world as the new fashion called “jeggings.” It is an abysmal state of affairs when a garment can be dishonest as well unattractive. A thorough abomination. Therefore, my dear, you simply have no choice but to wear them on your date. It is a well acknowledged fact that there is nothing so attractive to a man as a display of utter tastelessness. How else can you account for the popularity of that Kim Kardashio? Any half-way respectable man will always endeavor to earn the respect of his peers through the garishness of his wife’s clothes. Debase yourself you must, if you want to win him back, and what better way to do it then with deceitful elastic legwear? Then it is only natural to later use his credit card to reward yourself with a scandalously elegant hat.

Scarlett O’Hara: (Gone With the Wind) Take it from someone who’s had three husbands and all sorts of beaux: You don’t need to be beautiful to attract a man. I never claimed I was. In fact, it’s the God’s honest truth that I’m not. But you know what I do have? A dress that “set off to perfection the seventeen-inch waist, the smallest in three counties, and the tightly fitting basque showed breasts well matured for sixteen years.” So there you go. Cinch cinch cinch. If you want that man to fall in love, you find a dress that makes your waist look small and your breasts “well developed.” I’m inclined to favor a whalebone corset, but it seems that fashion today has adopted a ridiculous bias toward clothes that actually allow a woman to inhale. So I suppose a tight little leather belt around your dress will have to do. That and one of those “miracle bras.”

Miranda Priestly: (The Devil Wears Prada) Wear something with class. Like a scarf by Hermes. Silk. Not one of those knobbly woolen abominations. You’ll look like a cheap turkey with a thyroid problem. Wear that thing I saw that one time, at that show. If you want a man to love you, you have to dress like you deserve to be loved. And for God’s sakes don’t wear flats.