The Five Bestsellers on the Top 100 List that WILL Become Movies

1.       The Hunger Games: This series was honestly probably written with film adaptation in mind… it’s all action and chase scenes and token romantic subplots and, on top of that, it’s absurdly popular. With the teen/ young adult demographic. Which translates in movie-speak into $$$$$.  It’s probably already being filmed. I’m not going to google it, but I kinda don’t need to.

2.       The Help: It’ll be a thoughtfully cast film that Oprah will endorse. It will take the basic plot of the novel, but will also take emotional liberties. Outraged middle-aged women will ensue.

3.       Those Stephanie Plum Books: The film industry will give that same middle-aged, middle class women demographic a double hit by conglomerating this entire, ridiculously long series into one chick-flick adventure film. It’ll probably have somebody like Sandra Bullock in it, and the plot will revolve around her love escapades thinly laced together by the actual crime fighting. (The books are about a thirty-something New Jersey bounty hunter with two boyfriends and a fast metabolism). It’ll do pretty well and some people will go out and buy it before it passes quietly and contentedly into movie oblivion.

4.       In the Garden of the Beasts: About the American ambassador in Nazi Berlin. They will put time and effort into this movie. It will get good reviews. Most people will have no idea that it was based off of a book.

5.       Jaycee Dugard’s book: This will DEFINITELY be a movie. Maybe it will debut on Lifetime. Probably it will. Many will watch. Everyone will come out of it with the exact same feeling they had going into it- morbidly fascinated and chilled to the bone.

Five Worst Castings of Literary Characters

Making a book into a movie is like insulting the latest ipad- ostensibly innocent, but absolutely guaranteed to outrage some nerds.
Here's the top five casting choices that make me think the nerds might be totally justified:

1) Tom Hanks as Robert Langdon: Okay, here's the thing: Dan Brown really went absurdly out of his way to outline what he wanted for his main character to be. The man is described REPEATEDLY as "Harrison Ford in Harrison tweed". It's not the subtlest, most tasteful thing in the world, but it gets the point across. Sorry, but Mr. Hanks and his inexplicable hair-do do not fit the bill. Can't get the actual Harrison Ford? Fine. It's Hollywood. There are a MILLION backups. If there's one thing I know about aspiring actors in LA, it's that aspiring actors are pretty much everyone in LA. Seriously. If you needed a lesbian Chinese dwarf with a lazy eye and a good singing voice, you could probably find one. An Indiana Jones look-alike should be nothing at all.

2) Elijah Wood as Frodo Baggins: Frodo of the LOTR books is supposed to be a middle-aged hobbit with- get this- a stiff upper lip! The substitution of youth and beauty for age and stoicism, I can forgive... it's just the hollywood standard- but where did the toughness go??? Youth is fine, but we could have been spared HOURS of that goddamned simpering! Did no one else notice that the kid only has one damn face? Not EVERY situation warrants a doe-eyed look of terror.

3) Keanau  Reeves as Don John is Much Ado About Nothing: Reeves pretty much universally takes the cake for worst roles ever. He was also a wildly inappropriate choice for Jonathan Harper in Bram Stoker's Dracula, but he got that role too. I just don't understand how whoever was casting this read one of Shakespeare's greatest comedies and said "hmm. You know who'd be good for this role? That dude from speed.... yeah. He'd be perfect here."

4) Nicholas Cage as the Sorcerer in The Sorcerer's Apprentice: Okay, I'm gonna level with you... I didn't even READ this book... but I can still tell you that N Cage was a bad call. N Cage is ALWAYS a bad call.

5)Mickey Rooney as Mr. Yunioshi from Breakfast at Tiffany's: Not only was this the most patently racist thing EVER, but it was also just utterly absurd. Why? Why Mickey? Why not somebody who was actually Japanese? Why not pretty much ANYBODY else?

Top 5 Banned Books of 2010

1.       The ttyl Series: a series about teenage girls written in text message format, and supposedly quite realistic.

Reasons: Nudity, sex, drugs, swear words

Okay, let’s address the “nudity” claim. I would like to point out that this is a BOOK. So, what, did she describe the nudity? If so, WHO CARES? They are WORDS… and since sex is a different category one assumes that these aren’t even sexualized words. If your kid can’t handle the word “breast,” then for God’s sake, remove said child from English class and invest immediately in a psychotherapist who can help him or her overcome his/her obviously stunted emotional development.

2.       And Tango Makes 3: a children’s book about two male penguins who adopt and raise a baby penguin

Reasons: Homosexuality

Um, I’m sorry? Is this committee actually overtly suggesting homophobia as a legitimate objection to a children’s book? Like, they’re not even going to try to find some sort of figurehead excuse? How is this considered acceptable?!!! It’s like a politician calling for a boycott of Woody Allen movies because “Jews are icky.”

3.       The Perks of Being a Wallflower: First person account of the complications of life as a teenager.

Reasons: Homosexuality (again), sex, swear words, religious perspective

Reading that list is like playing a game of “Which One Doesn’t Belong?”  I can’t believe the presence of a religious perspective is grounds for banning. I mean, kids have to know… they do exist. I respect the need to maintain an unbiased curriculum, but these books aren’t just not required- they’re banned. As in, the library is not allowed to stock them. Again, I feel that the children here are being somewhat underestimated… I have total faith that little Sally will be able to read a fictional novel without immediately converting to the main characters particular affiliation. One would hope.

4.       To Kill a Mockingbird: Oh, you know this… Or you’d better.

Reasons: Racism, swearing

First of all, this book is not promoting racism… actually just the opposite. Is it banned because racism is upsetting? If so, then that school must have one limited curriculum. I’d like to see how they managed the history classes without war. And also, I find it absurd that racism is abhorred but sexual discrimination is actively participated in. This board sucks.

5.       Twilight: The whole teenaged vampire thing.

Reasons: sex

No comment.

As for the issues I didn’t address- I would like to reply simply by listing a few titles and the themes therein.

Romeo and Juliet: teen suicide, sex among minors, murder, sexual innuendoes, swearing

Greek classics: Incest, murder, bestiality, suicide, sexism, racism, drugs (LOTUS)

The Bible: incest, sexism, racism, bestiality, murder, genocide, favoritism, religious perspective (s), cannibalism, torture, prostitution, theft, betrayal, death, gambling, homosexuality, homophobia, apocalypse… and many, many more.

I rest my case.

Ways to Turn Your Ventillation into Compensation

I was reading an interview with the (one) female writer on the Conan O'Brien show and was delighted to learn that she owes all of her success to dicking around on facebook. All of it.... Okay, this is false. She probably owes her success to a nauseating combination of hard work and natural intelligence. However, here's what is true: when she was applying for the job, her portfolio consisted of about 200 hundred news jokes that she had written... they were the result of about a year of daily facebook statuses that she had written to keep herself from getting bored. So there you go. Facebook haunting into legitimate portfolio into a fantastic job that makes roundbreaking strides for female comedians. So if you have a repertoire of witticism lyin latent in your facebook history, don't just sit there, do something with them. In the meantime, here are some other ways that you can turn letting off some steam into cold hard cash, mostly of the underhanded variety:

1. Submit. Like the Conan Chick (whose name I am too lazy to look up, and with therefore be henceforth referred to as CC), you might well have some stray brilliance lying around. Be it an old blog, a series of tweets or a diary entry (only if you have a deeply, deeply accurate awareness of what other people should and should not be privy to in terms of your sex life, existential crises or bowel movements) you can submit it to a magazine, newspaper or alternative media for publication. In all honesty, its unlikely that you will actually get published, but its free and on the off chance you do get it, you get to feel like an absolute movie star. So go hit up those Op Eds.

2. Letters of Complaint. If you are NOT pleased with a service or a product (or if you are, but are also a total skeaze), you can write a letter of complaint to the company that produces/ provides it. When I was maybe seven, I got a gallon of cookies and cream ice cream, except that, actually, it was just vanilla. There were no cookies in it. I was appalled. So when my parents (in what I now see as a transparent- and successful- bid to deter me from my original reaction of inconsolable whining) suggested that I write to the Dreyers Company, I took them up on it. And do you know what I got back? I personal note of thanks for my concern and a gift certificate for a free gallon of ice cream. I didn't need a reciept or anything. The lesson here is that most big enough companies have neither the time nor the energy to deal with the innuerable disgruntled seven-year-olds of the world, so they'll usually just give you something free in order to shut you up. So nurture that consumerist outrage; that dyson bladeless fan will be YOURS, goddamn it!

3. Transcribe. Is your family eccentric? Would you like to capitalize on that eccentricity? Do you have absolutely no decency or respect for the privacy of your loved ones? Then do I have an opportunity for YOU! Like Justin Halpern, whose TV show via book via twitter account "S%#@ My Dad Says" has gleaned all sorts of crazy revenue, you can make money simply by copying down the words of people around you. It's the lazy man's way to getting published. Technically, every single word is plagiarized, but you STILL get all the credit and all the earnings. "Amy's Answering Machine"- one woman's publication of all the voicemails her crazy Yiddish mother left on her answering machine- has been similarly successful.   You are not the source of the brilliance. You are merely the medium by which it is expressed. But its still your name on the check, so go for the gold (and make alternative plans for your next Thanksgiving dinner.)

4. Product reviews. Every company wants publicity. Very, very badly. And they are willing to pay for this publicity. Very, very nicely. People tend to trust more in the authenticity of a review from another everyday consumer than in one from some random official sponsor. That's why all those diet pills have approximately 7 billion testimonials. (Yes... more testimonials than human inhabitants of the planet. Those things are THAT good). So sites like Rotten Tomatoes are a Mecca for companies looking to bolster up their reputations. Enter paid reviewers. All you do is agree to review some company's product and then they pay you to do so (note that you do not need to compromise your values here... if the thing seriously sucks, then for God's sakes DECLINE). Alternatively, you can get a job reviewing for a general review site- like book reviews for a site about books, etc. You know you love airing out your opinions, so get some moolah for it and spare your poor local hairdresser the lecture all in one fell swoop.

5. Be a Criminal. Okay. This is an article about making money off your writing in the laziest possible way. And this IS an option. There are sites that will buy your old school essays either for direct resale to today's current slackers or to use for "educational purposes"/ as a writing sample. You can do this. You can make an easy 25 bucks letting Johnny C reiterate your theory that Ulysses is  a direct result of a weird dream James Joyce had that day. You can. But you will go to hell. Know that. 25 dollars here= hell. Your call.

What You CanTell About Characters By Their Clothing Descriptions

And rolling on with the brief interlude of a fashion theme, here's what the types of clothing a character's wearing on his or her introduction can generally suggest about their role in the story:

1) "Neat," "crisp," or "well cared for" attire: Pretty much the same assumptions you would make about anyone who is snappily dressed in real life; this person is professional, efficient, and pragmatic. If it is a man, he's probably a bit of a prat. This person is very focused on the day to day and keeping things under control. Case in point: Watson (Sherlock Holmes books)

2) Fashionable man: Also known as a dandy or a fop. This man is t.r.o.u.b.le. He'll probably have a gambling problem, or harass random girls. Or have a secret painting stashed in his attic through which he ages vicariously. Watch out. Case in Point: Dorian Grey (The Portrait of Dorian Grey)

3) Fashionable lady: Either the protagonist, the protagonist's best friend, or the villian. If the fashionableness is showy, like Miranda Priestly or Anne Boleyn, she's a villian. If its tasteful, she's probably more of a good guy. She probably has a high opinion of herself, in any case. Case in Point: Emma (Emma)

4) Messy man: Probably some one either you or the protagonist will fall in love with. He's probably intellectual. Probably complicated. Probably romantic. Case in Point: Sydney Carton (A Tale of Two Cities)

5) Anything "nondescript": CRAZY MOTHER ^%*&#*(!!!!! This person is either an assassin or a serial killer or undercover royalty. Maybe he or she is a witch or a god. The point is, anyone you're "not supposed to notice," you absolutely, absolutely ARE. Case in Point: Dr. H. H. Holmes (The Devil in the White City)

How to Trick People into Thinking You're Cultured Part 2: How to Read Poetry

You can look at a poem and note the elements- the metaphors, the alliteration, the beautiful similes- nodding your head wisely as you point out the tell-tale "like" or "as"... yet your teacher wants YET MORE out of you, or your colleagues (during one of those poetry analyses you regularly engage in between board meetings) are not suitably impressed. Where do you go from there? Here are some rules I've compiled to springboard you into a deeper level of evaluating poetry, so that your boss will be so impressed with your insights about "Lady Lazarus" that he will DEFINITELY promote you to that head of sales position you've been coveting. Totally.

1.       Speaker ≠ Poet. NEVER assume that the speaker of the poem is also the poet. I don’t care if they live in the same city, have the same job and both have a strange affinity for waffles with cranberry sauce- DO NOT DO IT. Your lit teacher will hand you your butt on a platter. Honestly, is “Childe Harold” Lord Byron? Almost definitely. Yes. But it’s a rule in the literary world that we never make assumptions about this, no matter how valid they might seem. If the poet acknowledges that he or she is speaking as him/herself, then you can go with it. Otherwise, just play it safe and always say “the speaker says…” Even if in your head you’re thinking “and by ‘speaker’, I mean Longfellow.”

2.       When reading Romantic poetry, anything that is remotely shaped as a snake, stick, pole, or sword is to be considered “phallic imagery.” But, you say, maybe the towers in Kubla Khan are just that- towers. It makes sense in context… he’s describing a palace… Nope. Nope nope nope. It’s a penis. Always.

3.       You can’t just say that the poet’s tone “seems angrier” at the end of the poem than at the beginning, but there are 3 main ways that poets do this: 1) diction- suddenly the words he or she is using are more evocative of anger. It could be as straightforward as “rage” or it could just be word choices like “snarled” instead of “said” or “stalked outside” instead of “took a stroll.” 2) Changes in imagery- if the poem started out describing fields of fuzzy lambs and ends up describing raging forest fires burning churches, guess what? Your speaker has gotten pissed. 3) Change in beat/ rhythm/ punctuation. This is more subtle, but a poet can take the tone from mild to murderous by switching from “Oh sir, do please, to take your leave” to “Get. Out.”  See how I did that there?

4.       Anything that stands out is important. Absolutely always. It doesn’t matter how, but if one line or word or even letter is distinct from the rest of the poem, it’s a big deal. If the poem’s going along talking about apples, and then all the sudden BAM- there’s a seemingly unrelated line about Paris Hilton, take note. This is important. If there’s a normally stanza-ed poem that has one single line separated into its own little stanza, it’s important. If the whole poem is in third person, and then, just for one second, it’s in first, guess what? IT’S IMPORTANT. It doesn’t even matter if you have no idea why. Just remark about the fact that it stands out, and that therefore, It. Must. Be. Important.

5.       Here’s a fun little thing poets like to do: relate the form of the poem to the content in order to make a point. Sometimes, they match them up. For example, a love poem might be flowy and beautiful and sweet, just like love itself. But sometimes, they’ll use a form that is patently NOT appropriate for the subject of their poem, and this is usually to make a point. Sometimes a poet will write a lyrical, flowery descriptive poem… about a jockstrap. Maybe he is trying to express the latent beauty in the day to day. Maybe he is making fun of love poetry. Maybe he is just a crazy little psychopath. Point is, there’s a point.

Top Five Literary Rock Stars

Once upon a time, being a writer and being cool were not mutually exclusive. And I don't mean cool in a awesome, charismatic,intelligent way, I mean cool in a wild, hard-partying, self destructive way.These guys were about as far away from the nerds who read them as anyone could possibly get; they were all about sex, drugs, and the similes. Here's the top five writers who, if the were alive today, would trash their book tour hotel rooms and have scandalous, sordid affairs with their librarian groupies.

1. Lord Byron. No contest, Byron is the lead guitarist/ singer of the metaphoric rock band. It was considered an achievement for women to sleep with him- I'm not making this up. Byron was rampantl popular and feverishly admired. He had hundreds of trysts and sex partners, both men and women. At the time, there wasn't such a thing as a movie star; politicians were old and ugly, and the only famous singers were in the opera. Byron was Pitt, Kennedy, and Elvis all rolled into one. Hot. Stuff.

2. The Beat poets. Ooooh you crazy kids, you.... You crazy little kids with your drug kicks and jam sessions and your drugged-up jam sessions. Just read Ginsberg and try not to feel like you're tripping yourself. These guys were all about breaking poetic expectations, and they had the nonconformist lifestyle to back it up. Everyone wants to be Jack Kerouac.

3. F. Scott Fitzgerald. The wild parties and glitzy twenties glamour that we read about in The Great Gatsby aren't much of a stretch from Fitzgerald's actual life. He and his wife, Zelda, were straight up celebrities. They consorted with flappers and dandies, they drank champagne and they smoked cigarettes. They were written about in all the magazines and the society pages. The were the quintessential "it" couple.

4. The Crosbys. Caresse and Harry Crosby might not be the most widely read poets, but they were definitely the most scandalous. Famous as publishers of Joyce, Eliot, Hemingway and many others,their scandals include, but are not limited to: An open marriage, taking opiates, inventing the modern bra (Caresse), orgies of seven or more, exotic vacations, dabbling in eastern and ancient religions, a possible suicide pact between Harry and one of his lovers, and Caresse's subsequent marriage to a man 16 years younger than her. Whew.

5. Sapho. The very first famous lesbian. She was a brilliant writer of ancient Greece and was alllll abut the free love.