The Five Bestsellers on the Top 100 List that WILL Become Movies

1.       The Hunger Games: This series was honestly probably written with film adaptation in mind… it’s all action and chase scenes and token romantic subplots and, on top of that, it’s absurdly popular. With the teen/ young adult demographic. Which translates in movie-speak into $$$$$.  It’s probably already being filmed. I’m not going to google it, but I kinda don’t need to.

2.       The Help: It’ll be a thoughtfully cast film that Oprah will endorse. It will take the basic plot of the novel, but will also take emotional liberties. Outraged middle-aged women will ensue.

3.       Those Stephanie Plum Books: The film industry will give that same middle-aged, middle class women demographic a double hit by conglomerating this entire, ridiculously long series into one chick-flick adventure film. It’ll probably have somebody like Sandra Bullock in it, and the plot will revolve around her love escapades thinly laced together by the actual crime fighting. (The books are about a thirty-something New Jersey bounty hunter with two boyfriends and a fast metabolism). It’ll do pretty well and some people will go out and buy it before it passes quietly and contentedly into movie oblivion.

4.       In the Garden of the Beasts: About the American ambassador in Nazi Berlin. They will put time and effort into this movie. It will get good reviews. Most people will have no idea that it was based off of a book.

5.       Jaycee Dugard’s book: This will DEFINITELY be a movie. Maybe it will debut on Lifetime. Probably it will. Many will watch. Everyone will come out of it with the exact same feeling they had going into it- morbidly fascinated and chilled to the bone.

Top 5 Banned Books of 2010

1.       The ttyl Series: a series about teenage girls written in text message format, and supposedly quite realistic.

Reasons: Nudity, sex, drugs, swear words

Okay, let’s address the “nudity” claim. I would like to point out that this is a BOOK. So, what, did she describe the nudity? If so, WHO CARES? They are WORDS… and since sex is a different category one assumes that these aren’t even sexualized words. If your kid can’t handle the word “breast,” then for God’s sake, remove said child from English class and invest immediately in a psychotherapist who can help him or her overcome his/her obviously stunted emotional development.

2.       And Tango Makes 3: a children’s book about two male penguins who adopt and raise a baby penguin

Reasons: Homosexuality

Um, I’m sorry? Is this committee actually overtly suggesting homophobia as a legitimate objection to a children’s book? Like, they’re not even going to try to find some sort of figurehead excuse? How is this considered acceptable?!!! It’s like a politician calling for a boycott of Woody Allen movies because “Jews are icky.”

3.       The Perks of Being a Wallflower: First person account of the complications of life as a teenager.

Reasons: Homosexuality (again), sex, swear words, religious perspective

Reading that list is like playing a game of “Which One Doesn’t Belong?”  I can’t believe the presence of a religious perspective is grounds for banning. I mean, kids have to know… they do exist. I respect the need to maintain an unbiased curriculum, but these books aren’t just not required- they’re banned. As in, the library is not allowed to stock them. Again, I feel that the children here are being somewhat underestimated… I have total faith that little Sally will be able to read a fictional novel without immediately converting to the main characters particular affiliation. One would hope.

4.       To Kill a Mockingbird: Oh, you know this… Or you’d better.

Reasons: Racism, swearing

First of all, this book is not promoting racism… actually just the opposite. Is it banned because racism is upsetting? If so, then that school must have one limited curriculum. I’d like to see how they managed the history classes without war. And also, I find it absurd that racism is abhorred but sexual discrimination is actively participated in. This board sucks.

5.       Twilight: The whole teenaged vampire thing.

Reasons: sex

No comment.

As for the issues I didn’t address- I would like to reply simply by listing a few titles and the themes therein.

Romeo and Juliet: teen suicide, sex among minors, murder, sexual innuendoes, swearing

Greek classics: Incest, murder, bestiality, suicide, sexism, racism, drugs (LOTUS)

The Bible: incest, sexism, racism, bestiality, murder, genocide, favoritism, religious perspective (s), cannibalism, torture, prostitution, theft, betrayal, death, gambling, homosexuality, homophobia, apocalypse… and many, many more.

I rest my case.