Outside PR Cover Letter

I am writing in this blog for the first time in years because I went to apply for my dream job-- a social media coordinator for a fitness organization-- and they recommended applying via blog. As a general policy, if somebody I'm desperately trying to impress makes a recommendation, I take it. Hence, my cover letter:
Dear Sir or Madam,
Thank you so much for taking the time to review my application. My name is Colette Des Georges, and I will be graduating from Lewis and Clark College this December. Like every idealistic new graduate, I am looking for a career that I can devote myself to. I chose to apply to Outside PR because it combines two of my greatest passions-- social networking and fitness and because it seems to match perfectly with my set of skills. As an english major I am (hopefully) more than capable of expressing myself interestingly and articulately. I have experience working with social media professionally, running the facebook page for a nationally rank cancer center, and I have extensive personal experience as well. I have a personal Facebook, LinkedIn, and Twitter account (as well as this now-defunct blog, which actually had several entries picked up by other websites.) I have written for online magazines, including one fitness one, and I am a contributing member of sites like Buzz Feed and Reddit. I also happen to run every day and hike on the weekends. I would really love the chance to interview for the position, and will be returning to California on December 20th. I will be available by phone or email until then. Again, thank you so much for your consideration.
Sincerely, Colette Des Georges

The Five Bestsellers on the Top 100 List that WILL Become Movies

1.       The Hunger Games: This series was honestly probably written with film adaptation in mind… it’s all action and chase scenes and token romantic subplots and, on top of that, it’s absurdly popular. With the teen/ young adult demographic. Which translates in movie-speak into $$$$$.  It’s probably already being filmed. I’m not going to google it, but I kinda don’t need to.

2.       The Help: It’ll be a thoughtfully cast film that Oprah will endorse. It will take the basic plot of the novel, but will also take emotional liberties. Outraged middle-aged women will ensue.

3.       Those Stephanie Plum Books: The film industry will give that same middle-aged, middle class women demographic a double hit by conglomerating this entire, ridiculously long series into one chick-flick adventure film. It’ll probably have somebody like Sandra Bullock in it, and the plot will revolve around her love escapades thinly laced together by the actual crime fighting. (The books are about a thirty-something New Jersey bounty hunter with two boyfriends and a fast metabolism). It’ll do pretty well and some people will go out and buy it before it passes quietly and contentedly into movie oblivion.

4.       In the Garden of the Beasts: About the American ambassador in Nazi Berlin. They will put time and effort into this movie. It will get good reviews. Most people will have no idea that it was based off of a book.

5.       Jaycee Dugard’s book: This will DEFINITELY be a movie. Maybe it will debut on Lifetime. Probably it will. Many will watch. Everyone will come out of it with the exact same feeling they had going into it- morbidly fascinated and chilled to the bone.

The Power of a Word

Let's say you want to recommend a book to someone, but you are a horrible person and don't read. That's okay! All you need is the one giant word emblazoned on the book's cover, and you'll know exactly who to recommend it to.

Moving: People who watch Oprah

Poignant: People who watch the news

Thought-Provoking: Middle-aged men with dens and heavy eyebrows

Visceral: The hipster you want to impress

Dazzling: Women who wear red lipstick

Thrilling: People who don’t read

Fun: Other people who don’t read

Titillating: People who read too much

Quirky: Internet nerds

Ground-breaking: People who pay their bills on time.

Awesome: Everyone

Presh!: No one

Growing Up With Books

The way we view things changes so much as we get older…

Pigs

Charlotte’s Web: Terrific, radiant, humble animals

Lord of the Flies: Evil oppressors of psychotic young Brits

Animal Farm: Human greed and cruelty incarnate

Sex

Rain Babies: What? No such thing. Babies come from dew drops, silly.

Are You There God, It’s Me Margaret: Sex is a thing. It is a part of growing up.

Modernism in general: Sex. Sex. Sexity sex sex. SEEEEEEX.

Orphans

Charlie and the Chocolate Factory: …will probably inherit an enormous magical facility for making candy

Harry Potter: … will probably go to a magical school and grow up to save the world

Oliver Twist: … will probably fall in with a ragamuffin group of petty criminals headed by an abusive drunkard

Cats

Are You My Mother?: No cats.

The Princess Diaries: Cat is a pet. Unremarkable.

Harry Potter: Cats are pets. Unremarkable unless actually a wizard in disguise.

Old Possum’s Book of Practical Cats ( T.S. Eliot): Cats dance around and do magic tricks and participate in all kinds of crazy f***ery

Allegories for Christ

The Chronicles of Narnia: Jesus is a lion.

Maniac Magee: Jesus is a white kid.

One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest: Jesus is a Texan.

The Future

Ender’s Game: People use kids’ play for death

A Clockwork Orange: Kids use people’s death for play

Five Worst Castings of Literary Characters

Making a book into a movie is like insulting the latest ipad- ostensibly innocent, but absolutely guaranteed to outrage some nerds.
Here's the top five casting choices that make me think the nerds might be totally justified:

1) Tom Hanks as Robert Langdon: Okay, here's the thing: Dan Brown really went absurdly out of his way to outline what he wanted for his main character to be. The man is described REPEATEDLY as "Harrison Ford in Harrison tweed". It's not the subtlest, most tasteful thing in the world, but it gets the point across. Sorry, but Mr. Hanks and his inexplicable hair-do do not fit the bill. Can't get the actual Harrison Ford? Fine. It's Hollywood. There are a MILLION backups. If there's one thing I know about aspiring actors in LA, it's that aspiring actors are pretty much everyone in LA. Seriously. If you needed a lesbian Chinese dwarf with a lazy eye and a good singing voice, you could probably find one. An Indiana Jones look-alike should be nothing at all.

2) Elijah Wood as Frodo Baggins: Frodo of the LOTR books is supposed to be a middle-aged hobbit with- get this- a stiff upper lip! The substitution of youth and beauty for age and stoicism, I can forgive... it's just the hollywood standard- but where did the toughness go??? Youth is fine, but we could have been spared HOURS of that goddamned simpering! Did no one else notice that the kid only has one damn face? Not EVERY situation warrants a doe-eyed look of terror.

3) Keanau  Reeves as Don John is Much Ado About Nothing: Reeves pretty much universally takes the cake for worst roles ever. He was also a wildly inappropriate choice for Jonathan Harper in Bram Stoker's Dracula, but he got that role too. I just don't understand how whoever was casting this read one of Shakespeare's greatest comedies and said "hmm. You know who'd be good for this role? That dude from speed.... yeah. He'd be perfect here."

4) Nicholas Cage as the Sorcerer in The Sorcerer's Apprentice: Okay, I'm gonna level with you... I didn't even READ this book... but I can still tell you that N Cage was a bad call. N Cage is ALWAYS a bad call.

5)Mickey Rooney as Mr. Yunioshi from Breakfast at Tiffany's: Not only was this the most patently racist thing EVER, but it was also just utterly absurd. Why? Why Mickey? Why not somebody who was actually Japanese? Why not pretty much ANYBODY else?

Top 5 Banned Books of 2010

1.       The ttyl Series: a series about teenage girls written in text message format, and supposedly quite realistic.

Reasons: Nudity, sex, drugs, swear words

Okay, let’s address the “nudity” claim. I would like to point out that this is a BOOK. So, what, did she describe the nudity? If so, WHO CARES? They are WORDS… and since sex is a different category one assumes that these aren’t even sexualized words. If your kid can’t handle the word “breast,” then for God’s sake, remove said child from English class and invest immediately in a psychotherapist who can help him or her overcome his/her obviously stunted emotional development.

2.       And Tango Makes 3: a children’s book about two male penguins who adopt and raise a baby penguin

Reasons: Homosexuality

Um, I’m sorry? Is this committee actually overtly suggesting homophobia as a legitimate objection to a children’s book? Like, they’re not even going to try to find some sort of figurehead excuse? How is this considered acceptable?!!! It’s like a politician calling for a boycott of Woody Allen movies because “Jews are icky.”

3.       The Perks of Being a Wallflower: First person account of the complications of life as a teenager.

Reasons: Homosexuality (again), sex, swear words, religious perspective

Reading that list is like playing a game of “Which One Doesn’t Belong?”  I can’t believe the presence of a religious perspective is grounds for banning. I mean, kids have to know… they do exist. I respect the need to maintain an unbiased curriculum, but these books aren’t just not required- they’re banned. As in, the library is not allowed to stock them. Again, I feel that the children here are being somewhat underestimated… I have total faith that little Sally will be able to read a fictional novel without immediately converting to the main characters particular affiliation. One would hope.

4.       To Kill a Mockingbird: Oh, you know this… Or you’d better.

Reasons: Racism, swearing

First of all, this book is not promoting racism… actually just the opposite. Is it banned because racism is upsetting? If so, then that school must have one limited curriculum. I’d like to see how they managed the history classes without war. And also, I find it absurd that racism is abhorred but sexual discrimination is actively participated in. This board sucks.

5.       Twilight: The whole teenaged vampire thing.

Reasons: sex

No comment.

As for the issues I didn’t address- I would like to reply simply by listing a few titles and the themes therein.

Romeo and Juliet: teen suicide, sex among minors, murder, sexual innuendoes, swearing

Greek classics: Incest, murder, bestiality, suicide, sexism, racism, drugs (LOTUS)

The Bible: incest, sexism, racism, bestiality, murder, genocide, favoritism, religious perspective (s), cannibalism, torture, prostitution, theft, betrayal, death, gambling, homosexuality, homophobia, apocalypse… and many, many more.

I rest my case.

Awesome Accessories... In Books

Books/ myths have a lot to offer fashion-wise for entertainment that is almost entirely non-visual. Here are my top picks for fictional accessories, as well as some more realistic manifestations if you are inclined to make one of them your own.

1. Dorothy's Ruby Slippers: The sequined-up fire-engine pumps you wore every day when you were six may be a bit much for the modern workplace, but luckily there's a very neat equivalent over here in the real world in the form of a little brand called Ferragamo. These babies are all about their signature red underbellies, and if you flash these around enough, you can probably also get wherever you want to. Mostly because if you have Ferragamos, then you probably have money, and money = access to EVERYTHING!

2. Miss Havesham's Wedding Dress: If you had one of these, you'd never want to take it off either.

3.The One Ring: You don't even need a real- life equivalent... you can buy the real thing. Seriously. I saw it in one of those in-flight magazines. You can order an exact copy of the ring that could destroy middle earth. I mean, minus the actual destructive capacities. I guess if you want hardcore authenticity you could buy this and a nuclear weapon off of the black market, but I'd advise against it; you'd probably wake up the next morning in Guantanamo Bay. If you just want the whole invisible thing, just throw on a white Hanes tee, Uggs, and some skinny jeans. Trust me, no one will notice you. *Switch Uggs into Rainbows if you live on the West Coast.

4.The Sorting Hat: Okay, there's no real equivalent here, but if you want a witch's hat, just go to any Halloween store. If you want a hat that also provides you with an automatic group with which to align yourself, here are some possible options:

• Ironic Trucker Hat- Why, just pop on over to your local American Apparel! There, you will find a wonderful sample population of your new posse. You'll have a grand old time bonding over PBRs and bemoaning the way MGMT has completely sold out
• Beret-Hooray, beret! You'll fit right in with the artsy, the intellectual, the whimsical, the European, and the pretentious. Simply pick your poison! They'll accept you no questions asked, because this hat, she speaks- she speaks for you.
• Fedora- Rock on. Your new friends are at Paramore.
• Baseball Cap- oh, well aren't you just so cool and laid back and attractive. Fine. Just go find your requisite group of hot guy friends and play Madden all night and be awesome.
• Derby Hat- Congrats on your recent assention into the English aristocracy! Tell Will and Kate I say hi.

5. The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Just tote your fav volumes of the Encyclopedia Britannica. What's that? You don't have freakish Goliath-like strength? Fine. I guess an iphone would work, too.

6. Holden's Red Hunting Cap: This has the potential to be atrocious or cute. Here is a cute one. Just please refrain from whining about phonies while you're wearing it.

7. Mary Poppins' Magic Purse (later usurped by Hermoine's clutch in the last Harry Potter book): There isn't anything that expands magically yet, but a good solid boho bag should do the trick. Those things could fit a twelve year old child in there. If you literally have so much stuff that you can't fit it all in one of these, then A & E has a show called "Hoarders"...call them.

8.Holly Golightly's Sunglasses: The movie kind of did this for you... go hit up a Ray Bans.

9.Hermes' Sandals: Okay, there are two ways you can go here... stylistically, if you're craving the ancient Greek, you can slap on a pair of gladiators or lace-ups. You could even rock bandage heels and pretend you're somewhere in the realm of authenticity. (Even though you're really not). If it the transportation is what you crave, they have those sneakers with the wheels in the heels. And of course, there's always roller blades (especially effective when strapped to fireworks!). If you just want to feel like you are walking on air, then invest in some temperpedic slippers. They're expensive, but let me tell you something: they are so. fucking. comfortable.

10. Hester Prynne's Scarlet Letter: A normal person wouldn't want a badge that alerted all the world to their greatest personal mistake. But if you're not a normal person, then iron-on patches are for you. Be a total hippy and put them on your canvas purses, your torn jeans, your ratty caps... whatever floats your boat. You're welcome to actually get a big red "A", but you could also go for something cuter/ more normal like a car logo or a peace sign. Again, up to you.

Art Mirrors Life: Characters' Modern Social Equivelants

The frenemy: You all know the term. This person is "like totally your bff" until they forward your "Cabo!" pictures to your boss and tell your boyfriend you shave your butt. This delightfully purloined relationship is exemplified in the wonderful novel A Separate Peace. One minute Gene is telling Phineas how awesome he is- they're playing "Blitzball"- it's an Indian Summer... and then BAM. Knocks him off a tree-branch. Frenemy indeed.

The couple that is "SOINLOVE!!!": It is nauseating how consumed these people are. Romeo and Juliet are teenagers, which is kind of how it should be, but it real life, there is no age limit. There are sixty-five year old new couples that are similarly hellish to be around. They are all about the PDA and the extreme dramatics. "Staaaaaay... it isn't morning! I couldn't BEAR to part from you for even one nano-millisecond. What's that? There are people who will very literally KILL you if you stay? But I looooove yoooouuuuu!!!!!!" ick.

The group clown: AKA the drunk slob you profess to disdain but secretly love because he's awesome. Shakespeare locked this one down perfectly with Twelfth Night's Sir Toby Belch. Objectively, the man is loathesome: he's loud, inconsiderate, and almost willfully stupid. And yet he delights us. We rejoice in his eventual wedded bliss and applaud him for his inspired bullying of the insufferable Malvolio. Same with whatever lovable buffoon you have in your personal network. Maybe he is funny, maybe he has a good heart, maybe he just plain makes you feel superior. Whatever the reason, his presence is joy, and without it your life would be strangely lacking.

Your boss: Milton's Satan. So cunning. So sneaky. So teeeeempting with that raise that you are never really going to get.

Your husband/boyfriend/S.O., if you love him or her: Lancelot

Your husband/boyfriend/S.O. if you don't: Arthur

The teacher who changed your life: Atticus Finch. This man was absolutely everything every mentor should be. He was kind, brave, generous, fair, wise, patient.... yeah. You get it.

The mule: This person will pursue every issue to the bitter end. He googles every single fact about which you disagree or about which there is any question whatsoever. He will demand every detail of every aspect of the story you're trying to tell to the point that you never actually get to finish telling it. He will. not. let. it. go. Just like Captain Ahab and his white whale, this person will DIE before he just ACCEPTS that a tomato ought to be classified as a fruit and not a vegetable.

The person who you don't like, and therefore run into absolutely EVERYWHERE: James Joyce's Ulysses is basically a story about one man (Leopold Bloom) walking around the city for a day. It just so happens that his wife is concurrently having an affair with a skeeze machine named Blazes Boylen, about which Leopold just so happens to be aware. Naturally, he hates him. In the 24 hour period over which Ulysses is set, that man is EVERYWHERE. All of Dublin and he has to eat at the same cafe as Leopold. He passes by him on the street. People talk about him at Leopold's friend's funeral. It's absurd! Yet I swear to God, the same thing happened with my least favorite math teacher in high school, and half the people I know have routine run-ins with a particularly awkward ex boyfriend.

The "complex" emotional teenager: Holden. Caufield. Everyone's a phony. Everything's fake. Nothing
means anything. Oh Holden... your sensitivity is endearing, but you're a phony, too. There are literally hundreds of kids just like you, skulking around the playgrounds late at night and lamenting the damaged state of the world. And everybody knows one.

The sweet old man who tells you the same story nine times: Don Quixote. Granted, your old neighbor/grandfather/ old family friend might still retain their more rational mental faculties, but let me tell you something- your facial expression when he or she tells you for the twelfth time that he/she made an "internet account" is the exact same one you would have if you were hearing about the imminent threat of attacking windmills

The girl crush: She's smart and spirited and pretty and talented, and in spite of all this, for some reason you don't hate her. Actually, all you want to do is hang out with her... like, all the time. So you know it's gotta be Lizzy Bennet.

The best friend: Solid. Steady. Always there to listen to your rants or tell you you're pretty or carry your weary body through the poisonous mists of Mount Doom. Samwise the Brave.

Car Games: Name Five Books With Title Words in Each Category

When you're bored, which is often, if you're cool, you need something to stimulate the mind... something kind of smart, but also delightfully pointless. So I will be routinely supplying you with literature-focused car games. The kind of games your father forced you to play on road trips in your youth until you seriously contemplated ripping out your own eyeballs; the kind of games that your grandmother probably plays with her friend Barb when they cancel Days of Our Lives; the kinds of games you know you secretly love.

So name five books that have a word in the title that falls under each of the following categories:
Colors
Animals
Numbers
Food
Heavenly/Hellish Things
Jobs
Relations
Buildings
Men's Names (only)
Women's Names (only)

Here's five well-known examples that I thought of for each:

Colors: The Color Purples, The Scarlet Letter, The Black Pearl, the Red Badge of Courage, The Green Mile
Numbers: One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest, a Tale of Two Cities, The Three Musketeers, One Hundred Years of Solitude, 20,000 Leagues Under the Sea
Animals: Of Mice and Men, The Black Stallion, The Cat's Cradle, Do Androids Dream of Electric Sheep?, The Lord of the Flies
Heaven/ Hell: Paradise Lost, This Side of Paradise, Angels and Demons, The Devil in the White City, The Satanic Verses
Food: A Clockwork Orange, Chocolat, The Grapes of Wrath, The Tortilla Curtain, The Bean Trees
Occupations: The Merchant of Venice, The Spy Who Came in from the Cold, Memoirs of a Geisha, The Handmaid's Tale, Summer of My German Soldier
Relations: The Brothers Karamazov, Native Son, My Sister's Keeper, The Merry Wives of Windsor, The Princess Bride
Buildings: The Ciderhouse Rules, Northanger Abbey, Uncle Tom's Cabin, Wuthering Heights, The Hunchback of Notre Dame
Men's Names: David Copperfield, Frankenstein, Macbeth, Don Quixote, Silas Marner
Women's Names: Mrs. Dalloway, Anna Karenina, Emma, Madame Bovary, Rebecca

Gentlemen Prefer Blondes- Book I Just Read in Article Form

Talk yourself pretty
You know when you get up in the morning and you look at your sharp, sharp razor, and your eyeliner that inevitably smears all over your eyelid when you blink, and your straightener all patchy with grafts of your neck skin, and you just WISH that you could be inherently more attractive without doing anything? Guess what? You. Can.
There have been a plethora of new studies coming out about weird, completely nonaesthetic factors that make people more attractive to both men and women. Specifically, the book Do Gentlemen Really Prefer Blondes blew the lid off of the important role of things like smell (pumpkin pie=manbait, apparenty) in creating attraction. Some of them are totally out of your control, like hormonal shenanigans, but many of them can be totally manipulated to your advantage. Here’s some things you can say to make yourself more attractive (beyond just “I’m horny”…. Although, let’s be real here- most of the time, that’s probably all you really need)
Say “sumptuous” a lot. In one recent study, a researcher asked 101 volunteer college students to rank recordings of different people’s voices according to who they thought would be the most attractive. Creepily, the results lined up perfectly with the people who actually were the most conventionally attractive (fit, symmetrical face, etc). The female voice type that was assumed to be the most attractive, likeable, and even trustworthy was melodious and fairly high without being shrill. If you want to work this whole siren thing, you can either try to talk like this (but I warn you: if you’re like me, you WILL end up sounding like Minnie Mouse on dopamine) or you can just use words that naturally  sound alluring. Some of the most appealing words in the english language, based on actual scientific studies, are “adroit”, “demesne”,” opulent”, and “sumptuous.” Mmmmm they’re like Death by Chocolate for your ears
Talk like You’re… Certain traits are just generally accepted to be more desirable. Most people are genetically wired to be attracted to humor, kindness and intelligence. It is my personal theory that this is because in choosing a mate ancient homo sapiens  were also choosing traits for their future children, and the thought of a cave full of stupid, unfunny, evil little cave-babies is enough to kill anyone’s libido. But whatever the reason, these are three traits that make everyone seem innately more attractive, so try these three tips: to sound smarter sign up for one of those word of the day apps and then use it. Also read all the headlines from the front page of the New York Times  (or any newspaper, really, besides The Onion, although that might come in handy in the humor department) and at least one article. That way you can converse “knowledgably” about current events like it ain’t no thang…. Then go back to your Us Weekly. To sound nicer, say something complimentary about someone not there or bring up an issue/ injustice that you “care deeply” about, such as the plight of South African Gooba Turtles.* To sound funnier 1) quote someone else who is actually funny 2)covertly make and distribute “special brownies” 3)over-articulate EVERYTHING. Everything is funnier when it is unnecessarily verbose. For example: “You’re a douche”- mindless insult . “You, my good sir, are a receptacle of unadulterated douchery made incarnate.” –hilarious.
Say NOTHING. Unsurprisingly, the study also found that people like it when you listen to them. It implies respect and establishes an air of mystery. The researcher also suggested, though that men in particular might be attracted to the docility that silence implies, which strikes me as a little bit chauvinistic. So, I don’t know… maybe listen to his story about his friend from college and then punch him lightly in the pancreas. You know… just so he remembers his place.
Share the Love. People (all people) are more attracted to people that they perceive to be admired/ loving. Good relationships = healthy person= more good relationships. It’s an un-vicious cycle. And everyone wants in on that. So project your (non-creepy) love for your nephew, your mom, your fifth grade math teacher, for everyone to see. Similarly, if you’re desired, it means there’s something about you that is worth desiring, so people are drawn to people with lots of friends or attractive exes. So feel free to start your next story with “So I went to the mall to visit my ex boyfriend- he was working at Abercrombie at the time- and… “(insert semi-legitimizing story here) 
*Not a real animal.

Ways to Turn Your Ventillation into Compensation

I was reading an interview with the (one) female writer on the Conan O'Brien show and was delighted to learn that she owes all of her success to dicking around on facebook. All of it.... Okay, this is false. She probably owes her success to a nauseating combination of hard work and natural intelligence. However, here's what is true: when she was applying for the job, her portfolio consisted of about 200 hundred news jokes that she had written... they were the result of about a year of daily facebook statuses that she had written to keep herself from getting bored. So there you go. Facebook haunting into legitimate portfolio into a fantastic job that makes roundbreaking strides for female comedians. So if you have a repertoire of witticism lyin latent in your facebook history, don't just sit there, do something with them. In the meantime, here are some other ways that you can turn letting off some steam into cold hard cash, mostly of the underhanded variety:

1. Submit. Like the Conan Chick (whose name I am too lazy to look up, and with therefore be henceforth referred to as CC), you might well have some stray brilliance lying around. Be it an old blog, a series of tweets or a diary entry (only if you have a deeply, deeply accurate awareness of what other people should and should not be privy to in terms of your sex life, existential crises or bowel movements) you can submit it to a magazine, newspaper or alternative media for publication. In all honesty, its unlikely that you will actually get published, but its free and on the off chance you do get it, you get to feel like an absolute movie star. So go hit up those Op Eds.

2. Letters of Complaint. If you are NOT pleased with a service or a product (or if you are, but are also a total skeaze), you can write a letter of complaint to the company that produces/ provides it. When I was maybe seven, I got a gallon of cookies and cream ice cream, except that, actually, it was just vanilla. There were no cookies in it. I was appalled. So when my parents (in what I now see as a transparent- and successful- bid to deter me from my original reaction of inconsolable whining) suggested that I write to the Dreyers Company, I took them up on it. And do you know what I got back? I personal note of thanks for my concern and a gift certificate for a free gallon of ice cream. I didn't need a reciept or anything. The lesson here is that most big enough companies have neither the time nor the energy to deal with the innuerable disgruntled seven-year-olds of the world, so they'll usually just give you something free in order to shut you up. So nurture that consumerist outrage; that dyson bladeless fan will be YOURS, goddamn it!

3. Transcribe. Is your family eccentric? Would you like to capitalize on that eccentricity? Do you have absolutely no decency or respect for the privacy of your loved ones? Then do I have an opportunity for YOU! Like Justin Halpern, whose TV show via book via twitter account "S%#@ My Dad Says" has gleaned all sorts of crazy revenue, you can make money simply by copying down the words of people around you. It's the lazy man's way to getting published. Technically, every single word is plagiarized, but you STILL get all the credit and all the earnings. "Amy's Answering Machine"- one woman's publication of all the voicemails her crazy Yiddish mother left on her answering machine- has been similarly successful.   You are not the source of the brilliance. You are merely the medium by which it is expressed. But its still your name on the check, so go for the gold (and make alternative plans for your next Thanksgiving dinner.)

4. Product reviews. Every company wants publicity. Very, very badly. And they are willing to pay for this publicity. Very, very nicely. People tend to trust more in the authenticity of a review from another everyday consumer than in one from some random official sponsor. That's why all those diet pills have approximately 7 billion testimonials. (Yes... more testimonials than human inhabitants of the planet. Those things are THAT good). So sites like Rotten Tomatoes are a Mecca for companies looking to bolster up their reputations. Enter paid reviewers. All you do is agree to review some company's product and then they pay you to do so (note that you do not need to compromise your values here... if the thing seriously sucks, then for God's sakes DECLINE). Alternatively, you can get a job reviewing for a general review site- like book reviews for a site about books, etc. You know you love airing out your opinions, so get some moolah for it and spare your poor local hairdresser the lecture all in one fell swoop.

5. Be a Criminal. Okay. This is an article about making money off your writing in the laziest possible way. And this IS an option. There are sites that will buy your old school essays either for direct resale to today's current slackers or to use for "educational purposes"/ as a writing sample. You can do this. You can make an easy 25 bucks letting Johnny C reiterate your theory that Ulysses is  a direct result of a weird dream James Joyce had that day. You can. But you will go to hell. Know that. 25 dollars here= hell. Your call.

The Lads and Ladies of Literature Tell You How to Look Younger

 Here's the latest submission to The Gloss:

Dear Consultitory  Characters, I have a high school reunion coming up and I am desperately trying to look younger. I thought, who better to advise me about looks than people who, due to their fictional status, never had any? So what should I do?

Dorian Gray (The Portrait of Dorian Gray): I’m a firm believer in the power of paint in maintaining youth. By which, of course, I mean make up. Lots and lots of make-up. Nothing screams youth like a wrinkle-free face- so paint on a mask and I promise you, it’ll be just like you never got older at all.

Humbert Humbert (Lolita): I think its deliciously admirable that more and more women are trying to emulate the sweet nymphyness of youth. Rompers, pigtails, short denim shorts to display your long, suntanned legs and your scraped knees. That is what I call dressing to impress.

Frankenstein (Frankenstein): A couple of hops under the knife never hurt anybody…. much

Blanche DuBois: Here’s what you do: take a lemon, squeeze half into a bowl with yogurt. Smear onto face. Take the other half of the lemon. Squeeze into a glass of straight vodka. Drink. Repeat.

Phantom (The Phantom of the Opera): Eye circles? No problem! Just slip into a (literal) eye mask and its like they were never even there.

Bridget Jones(Bridget Jones’ Diary): They say gaining a little weight fills your face out and makes you look younger again. It’s true. They say that. They do.

Jane Eyre (Jane Eyre): Just always walk around with your eyes open really wide to express your youthful naïveté and people will just assume that the old blind guy you’re with is your father and you yourself are as perky as a puppy.

 Lindo Jong (The Joy Luck Club): Green Tea. Drink, and it will make you glow. Also, shrinks under eye bags when applied topically.

Emma (Emma): A corset works wonders for a woman pursuing a nubile young figure. Or, you know, spanx.

Isabella (Measure for Measure)*: No alcohol. No sugar. No smoking or promiscuous sex. If you think you might like it at all, it will age you terribly.

It stands to reason that many people might have missed this one in deference to some of Shakespeare’s more popular plays, so let me fill you in; Isabella is a woman who is joining a convent, but is worried that the 16^th century’s nuns’ rules won’t be strict enough. Aka, she is the dweebiest dweeb who ever did dweeb. In case you were wondering.

Books Celebrities Might Have Misread

CHRIS BROWN misread A CLOCKWORK ORANGE as an accurate depiction of acceptable ways to behave in society

OJ SIMPSON misread IN COLD BLOOD as a how-to manual

TAYLOR SWIFT misread the ending of ROMEO AND JULIET

THOUSANDS OF AMERICANS mis(heard) THE WAR OF THE WORLDS as the TRUTH. Run!

CHARLIE SHEEN misread THE NEW TESTAMENT as his own biography

GLENN BECK misread FAHRENHEIT 451 as a decent proposal

BRITNEY SPEARS misread GONE WITH THE WIND as a marriage guide

JUSTIN BEIBER misread ANIMAL FARM as a cool book about pets!

WALT DISNEY misread MOST FAIRYTALES. Perhaps fortunately for the psyches of children everywhere.

KE$HA misread THE GRAPES OF WRATH as a fashion magazine

LINDSEY LOHAN misread ALICE’S ADVENTURES IN WONDERLAND as a reasonable allegory for your average night out

LEANN RHIMES/ TIGER WOODS/ JESSE JAMES misread THE SCARLETT LETTER as being about an “actress”

What You CanTell About Characters By Their Clothing Descriptions

And rolling on with the brief interlude of a fashion theme, here's what the types of clothing a character's wearing on his or her introduction can generally suggest about their role in the story:

1) "Neat," "crisp," or "well cared for" attire: Pretty much the same assumptions you would make about anyone who is snappily dressed in real life; this person is professional, efficient, and pragmatic. If it is a man, he's probably a bit of a prat. This person is very focused on the day to day and keeping things under control. Case in point: Watson (Sherlock Holmes books)

2) Fashionable man: Also known as a dandy or a fop. This man is t.r.o.u.b.le. He'll probably have a gambling problem, or harass random girls. Or have a secret painting stashed in his attic through which he ages vicariously. Watch out. Case in Point: Dorian Grey (The Portrait of Dorian Grey)

3) Fashionable lady: Either the protagonist, the protagonist's best friend, or the villian. If the fashionableness is showy, like Miranda Priestly or Anne Boleyn, she's a villian. If its tasteful, she's probably more of a good guy. She probably has a high opinion of herself, in any case. Case in Point: Emma (Emma)

4) Messy man: Probably some one either you or the protagonist will fall in love with. He's probably intellectual. Probably complicated. Probably romantic. Case in Point: Sydney Carton (A Tale of Two Cities)

5) Anything "nondescript": CRAZY MOTHER ^%*&#*(!!!!! This person is either an assassin or a serial killer or undercover royalty. Maybe he or she is a witch or a god. The point is, anyone you're "not supposed to notice," you absolutely, absolutely ARE. Case in Point: Dr. H. H. Holmes (The Devil in the White City)

Bottom Five Trends from Your Literary Friends

Dracula: (Dracula) Scarves. A woman’s neck is so incredibly… appealing. Why would you ever want to cover that up?

Hester Prynne: (The Scarlett Letter) Initial necklaces. Hester is NOT a fan of identifying yourself via a single letter worn over your clothing. No need to label.

Viola: (Twelfth Night) Menswear. Dressing up as a man can have consequences. Deeply confusing consequences. Avoid it at all costs- unless you want to end up with a guy that won’t look twice at you and a girl that REFUSES to take the damn hint.

Yossarian: (Catch-22) Military Jackets. You do realize that the army’s a real thing , right? And there are a lot of deeply embedded, often hilarious problems with it. Seeing a bunch of teenagers dressed up like colonels fiddling around at the mall is just weird.

Holden Caulfield: (The Catcher in the Rye) Writing F#%$ You across your fingernails. That’s messed up. Kids can see that. WHAT IS THE WORLD COMING TO?

Top Five Trends from your Literary Friends

And on that note...

Holly Golightly: (Breakfast at Tiffany’s)  The little black dress. Timeless. Classic. Perfect for accessorizing with some Ray Bans or, more importantly, jewelry. Bracelets, necklaces, earrings, brooches… and one amazing store carries it all- Zales. Hahaha, jk- go grab a croissant or something at Tiff.’s

Humbert Humbert: (Lolita) Rompers. There’s something so enchantingly alluring about a woman who embraces her childish side.

Daisy Buchanan:  (The Great Gatsby)minidresses. Drop waists, sequins, beading. The glamour of the twenties is back, and though Daisy might be a bit more demure herself, her world is filled with all those glamoured up creatures called flappers, and she is all about the class. Specifically the upper-class.

Anne Shirley: (Anne of Green Gables) Structured jackets. Why, they’re almost like a modern-day puffed sleeves! And Anne Shirley Fucking. Loves. Puffed. Sleeves.

Cruella de Vil: (The Hundred and One Dalmations)* Fur coats. Real fur. None of this faux crap. The more exotic, the better.

Fashion Advice from Fake People

The Gloss recently asked me to do a piece offering fashion advice from some literary celebrities. I live to serve:

The world of fashion is can be troubling; are tea-length skirts ultra-fashionable, or do they just exist to make your calves look fat? Does a romper say “fun and free-spirited” or “I like to take 20 minutes to go to the bathroom?” Sometimes, the rules of fashion seem self-contradictory, and sometimes, it seems like people are just making things up. In that spirit, who better than a fictional character to answer these fanciful questions? Here, we turn to some of the leading ladies of the literary tradition for their takes on the stylish debacles we face every day.

Dear Literary Ladies, I’m going to have lunch with my ex this weekend and I need to wear something impressive- something guaranteed to win him back. Help! What should I do?

Lady Augusta Bracknell: (The Importance of Being Earnest)

There is nothing so vulgar in the world as the new fashion called “jeggings.” It is an abysmal state of affairs when a garment can be dishonest as well unattractive. A thorough abomination. Therefore, my dear, you simply have no choice but to wear them on your date. It is a well acknowledged fact that there is nothing so attractive to a man as a display of utter tastelessness. How else can you account for the popularity of that Kim Kardashio? Any half-way respectable man will always endeavor to earn the respect of his peers through the garishness of his wife’s clothes. Debase yourself you must, if you want to win him back, and what better way to do it then with deceitful elastic legwear? Then it is only natural to later use his credit card to reward yourself with a scandalously elegant hat.

Scarlett O’Hara: (Gone With the Wind) Take it from someone who’s had three husbands and all sorts of beaux: You don’t need to be beautiful to attract a man. I never claimed I was. In fact, it’s the God’s honest truth that I’m not. But you know what I do have? A dress that “set off to perfection the seventeen-inch waist, the smallest in three counties, and the tightly fitting basque showed breasts well matured for sixteen years.” So there you go. Cinch cinch cinch. If you want that man to fall in love, you find a dress that makes your waist look small and your breasts “well developed.” I’m inclined to favor a whalebone corset, but it seems that fashion today has adopted a ridiculous bias toward clothes that actually allow a woman to inhale. So I suppose a tight little leather belt around your dress will have to do. That and one of those “miracle bras.”

Miranda Priestly: (The Devil Wears Prada) Wear something with class. Like a scarf by Hermes. Silk. Not one of those knobbly woolen abominations. You’ll look like a cheap turkey with a thyroid problem. Wear that thing I saw that one time, at that show. If you want a man to love you, you have to dress like you deserve to be loved. And for God’s sakes don’t wear flats.

What Are the Kids Reading These Days?

I was thinking today about uber-young readers, and the sort of genres that have sprang up within that group. I'm not talking about sports stories or little romances that aren't age specific. There are certain types of books that are for some reason almost exclusively aimed at the 10-14 crowd.

Here’s why the Babysitters Club is a big hit with the middle school set; it strikes home. Ditto books about school or parents. When you regularly spend your Friday nights watching a six-year-old launch GI Joe dolls off of the couch and into his own eye, you want to feel like there is some sort of status that comes from doing this. Enter The Club. So tweens want to read these books about people "just like them", and no one else does. But books  for junior readers have clustered around a number of other genres and theme genres as well, sometimes surprisingly specific.

First of all, there’s fantasy. It isn’t a mystery why kids read fantasy- it’s awesome.; full of adventure and love and danger and silly-looking creatures. Harry Potter is obviously the quintessential magic book, but true nerds will also fondly look back upon the Redwall series, books by Tamora Pierce and the Half Magic series. The latest ones are called The Olympians by Rick Riordan. I was reading them aloud to a boy I myself was doing a little nannying for for some extra cash, and I’m not gonna lie here… I literally bought the last few books in the series after the job was over because I neeeeeded to know if they destroy the evil titans! (I told the cashier it was a present for my nephew. The one I do not have.) What is weird about fantasy though is that lately (i.e. since Tolkien) it has been almost exclusively for children. Science fiction isn’t like this. We have Brave New World, The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy, Dune, and Ray Bradbury in general.  But not so much with fantasy. I really don’t know why.

Now here’s a really weird, specific genre that bizarrely seems to come out for kids in about fourth grade: Books chronicling the lives of Jewish people hiding in Nazi Germany (or Nazi occupied Europe). Besides  The Diary of Anne Frank there was Number the Stars and Behind the Bedroom Wall. There were many others. I read so many of these stories that I remember spending years of my childhood narrowly evaluating every cranny and crevice, nodding sagely to myself and thinking that would be a good place to hide Jews. I even had specific Jews in mind- family friends to be stowed away in the back part of the coat closet, classmates to be hustled into the attic. Kathy likes dogs I would think maybe if we kept her under the house we could sneak a dog down to keep her company. In retrospect, of course, I am appalled, but to my nine year-old brain,  safety was the priority, and the danger was angry German Nazis. For the longest time, I could NOT understand the prevalence of the genre but I’ve come to realize that as far as historical fiction goes, WWII is perfect for this age group. They can have very clear “good guys” and “bad guys” and they don’t have to examine the nuances of the war or even the ideals behind it. This is no American revolution; it is straightforward hide/ escape or be killed. And kids can definitely get that.

Another genre that seemed to come out of left field is the absolute epidemic of books about horses. Wild horses, racing horses, the relationship between wide –eyed, blond, precious American children and their horses. The high point was The Black Stallion and the low point was probably some story about a horse escaping his pen and running across the country to be there for his owner’s birthday. I , personally, hated The Red Pony, but you can’t keep a literary blog and cite Steinbeck as a low point of anything, especially a subgenre with protagonists with names like thunderbolt. Why are horse books so cultishly  followed by tweeners? Who knows! Why not dogs or rabbits or eagles? Maybe it’s the glamour of associating horses with historical royalty and knights and cowboys, but they definitely have a fanclub.

The last trend I remember defining my young literary life was an obsession with books written as diaries of historical people- usually princesses, and usually hardbound only with little satin ribbons and gilt-edged pages, so that the producers could charge some erroneous amount for about 20 poorly written pages. But we longed for them. There was a book for Cleopatra, Anastasia, Marie Antoinette… naturally leaving out all the unsavory bits (i.e. almost all accuracy). I do have to admit that I loved reading them, though, and they definitely sparked an interest in reading and in learning about (the good parts) of history. And really, what more can you ask?

Love Lessons From the Ladies of Pride and Prejudice

It's a romantic story set in a romantic time period by a romantic author. These chicks are the experts. Here's what we can learn about love from each of the leading ladies of P and P.

Elizabeth Bennet: Be awesome. If you are awesome, handsome, rich strangers will fall in love with you. You will know they are in love with you because they will insult your family and always maintain a hostile silence in your presence.

Lydia Bennet: Can't get him to commit? Why, Lydia knows exactly how to handle this; simply get yourself in to a compromising and potentially socially devastating circumstance that FORCES him to seal the deal. Also, make sure to have a wealthy family friend on standby to bribe him liberally in case he's still too much of a jerk to take the plunge.

Mary Bennet: In order to attract a man, you must possess some sort of understanding of basic social cues. This means that one piano recital at a party? Wonderful. Two? Thoroughly charming. A series that lasts the entire evening? "You have delighted us long enough." Men like a sense of mystery. You may have a magical way with a G scale, but let him discover the extent of your musical (and other) talents on his own.

Charlotte Lucas: Marriage is all about compromise. Before entering into a commitment, you have to weigh your pros and cons. For example, the cons of marrying Mr. Collins:
-Nightly recitations of the gospel- and not the exciting parts about magical water that turns into booze and Jesus taking strolls across the ocean- the boring parts. The parts with words like "duty" and "penitence"
-Forced exposure to regular weird and discomfiting compliments about things like your left eyebrow or your way of cutting your potatoes
-Complete absence of anything remotely resemblant of thought-provoking or interesting conversation EVER.
Pros:
Get your own tea parlor!

Jane Bennet: Being pretty is not enough. If you do not also make your devotion garishly apparent at every turn, he will assume you don't have feelings for him and HE WILL LEAVE YOU. So make t-shirts! Call each and every one of his guy friends to be sure they know. Write it in permanent sharpie right across the windshield of his brand new car!

Mrs. Bennet: True love is finding a many who will wearily endure your bipolar episodes, dramatic fits, and public humiliations and still gamely escorts you to all the social functions of your choosing so that you can continue to engage in these actively in as obtrusive a way as possible.

Kitty Bennet: Half-assing it just doesn't work. When it comes to landing a man, you need to go big or go home. This means you either act like a Lydia-status psychopath and blackmail yourself into wedded bliss or you act like a normal, mature human being and find love in the more conventional way. But no tweensies.

Love lesson from the men of Pride and Prejudice: You will NEVER understand the women around you. So just don't try.

How to Trick People into Thinking You're Cultured Part 2: How to Read Poetry

You can look at a poem and note the elements- the metaphors, the alliteration, the beautiful similes- nodding your head wisely as you point out the tell-tale "like" or "as"... yet your teacher wants YET MORE out of you, or your colleagues (during one of those poetry analyses you regularly engage in between board meetings) are not suitably impressed. Where do you go from there? Here are some rules I've compiled to springboard you into a deeper level of evaluating poetry, so that your boss will be so impressed with your insights about "Lady Lazarus" that he will DEFINITELY promote you to that head of sales position you've been coveting. Totally.

1.       Speaker ≠ Poet. NEVER assume that the speaker of the poem is also the poet. I don’t care if they live in the same city, have the same job and both have a strange affinity for waffles with cranberry sauce- DO NOT DO IT. Your lit teacher will hand you your butt on a platter. Honestly, is “Childe Harold” Lord Byron? Almost definitely. Yes. But it’s a rule in the literary world that we never make assumptions about this, no matter how valid they might seem. If the poet acknowledges that he or she is speaking as him/herself, then you can go with it. Otherwise, just play it safe and always say “the speaker says…” Even if in your head you’re thinking “and by ‘speaker’, I mean Longfellow.”

2.       When reading Romantic poetry, anything that is remotely shaped as a snake, stick, pole, or sword is to be considered “phallic imagery.” But, you say, maybe the towers in Kubla Khan are just that- towers. It makes sense in context… he’s describing a palace… Nope. Nope nope nope. It’s a penis. Always.

3.       You can’t just say that the poet’s tone “seems angrier” at the end of the poem than at the beginning, but there are 3 main ways that poets do this: 1) diction- suddenly the words he or she is using are more evocative of anger. It could be as straightforward as “rage” or it could just be word choices like “snarled” instead of “said” or “stalked outside” instead of “took a stroll.” 2) Changes in imagery- if the poem started out describing fields of fuzzy lambs and ends up describing raging forest fires burning churches, guess what? Your speaker has gotten pissed. 3) Change in beat/ rhythm/ punctuation. This is more subtle, but a poet can take the tone from mild to murderous by switching from “Oh sir, do please, to take your leave” to “Get. Out.”  See how I did that there?

4.       Anything that stands out is important. Absolutely always. It doesn’t matter how, but if one line or word or even letter is distinct from the rest of the poem, it’s a big deal. If the poem’s going along talking about apples, and then all the sudden BAM- there’s a seemingly unrelated line about Paris Hilton, take note. This is important. If there’s a normally stanza-ed poem that has one single line separated into its own little stanza, it’s important. If the whole poem is in third person, and then, just for one second, it’s in first, guess what? IT’S IMPORTANT. It doesn’t even matter if you have no idea why. Just remark about the fact that it stands out, and that therefore, It. Must. Be. Important.

5.       Here’s a fun little thing poets like to do: relate the form of the poem to the content in order to make a point. Sometimes, they match them up. For example, a love poem might be flowy and beautiful and sweet, just like love itself. But sometimes, they’ll use a form that is patently NOT appropriate for the subject of their poem, and this is usually to make a point. Sometimes a poet will write a lyrical, flowery descriptive poem… about a jockstrap. Maybe he is trying to express the latent beauty in the day to day. Maybe he is making fun of love poetry. Maybe he is just a crazy little psychopath. Point is, there’s a point.